FeedStitch

the votes are in, and i have spent the last week becoming a fitness guru to the stars and the homeless alike. well at least i didn’t end up with the alternative. i spent enough time last week having to perform on the street, living off what little cash strangers are willing to give me. they call prostitution a ‘game’, but when your down a back alley with a double sided dildo in your hand, things start to get pretty real.

becoming a fitness guru is not as easy as it sounds. i had to ration myself to four starbars a day. i had to get up at eleven every frickin day to do three laps of the front garden. i was sweating so much i was taking showers every couple of hours. at least i was until my jax turned into a swamp and cracked my head off the sink. its all worth it tho. I’m in the shape of my life and my incredible physique can only help me with the tail.

my first celebrity client was Mary Harney. She arrived first thing monday morning raring to go…but Baz’s patented workout programme did not agree with her. after six minutes of intensive exercise Harney had collapsed outside my gaff and unfortunately medical services had to be called in. ambulances were not able to cope with her ample frame so we had to strap to her to the front of a forklift and bring her down the hard shoulder of the M50 til we got to Beaumont Hospital. from there a small crane airlifted her on to the roof, and doctors were forced to attend on her right then and there, as it was felt miss harney would endanger the staff if she was put in the emergency lift.

i guess some people cant handle the burn. if you want Baz to get you into that wedding dress for your beach holiday, then im gonna push you to the limit. im gonna make you run til you puke. im gonna make you ingest nothing but celery and cigarettes. im going to put so many steroids up your ass that you wont be able to find your mickey for weeks. if its good enough for ronan keating than it will be good enough for you.

The votes are in and it looks like all u lucky, lucky people are going to watch me become Ireland’s biggest gigolo since Marty Whelan lost all his savings in Anglo Irish Bank. There’s gonna be a queue round the block once everybody finds out my supple ass is for sale.

the extra cash is gonna come in handy cos Bazcast has not become the overnight goldmine i thought it would. obviously i haven’t been taking advantage of the massive financial opportunity thats been staring me in the face. so first thing monday morning a shipment of 10,000 Bazcast ashtrays is on its way from Taiwan. My cousin Billy’s sorting out the Bazcast  t-shirts so there shouldn’t be any problem there. also for any lads out there, wondering how to show mom/sis/girliefriend that u love her this Christmas? well why not try my own signature perfume ‘Eau de Baz’. it combines the essence of Moroccan silkworm, the slightest hint of Egyptian mulberry and a certain ‘Je ne sais que’ (which may or may not be recycled Chinese toilet paper). Order yours now for the low, low price of $89.99 a bottle. All major credit cards now accepted.

in the meantime, i’ve got the spread the word to all the ladies out there that there’s a new gigolo in town. inform any female friends of yours that if your looking for a manwhore with the best darn pedicure money can buy, Baz is your man. simply log onto manslut.ie to find someone who can be a friend, a confidente, and yes, even an incredible lover. i’m just a phone call away…